Lonely

[Suelin23]

Any ideas on how to make friends and manage relationships?

[TesTeq]

Any ideas on how to make friends and manage relationships?

I don't know if it is possible to make friends and manage relationship. Can you plan it and enforce it?

I think it's all about being a good human being - good friends will magically appear in your life.

On the other hand in the "Wall Street" movie Gordon Gekko said: "If you need a friend, get a dog."

[vbampton]

Certainly from a GTD point of view, there are recurring next actions on my lists, to touch base with different people regularly.

In the rush of everyday life, it can be difficult to keep track of who you haven't spoken to recently, so a list of the most important people in my life gets reviewed in my weekly review, along with everything else.

If they've got something particular going on in their lives, that goes on the list to follow up as well, because they appreciate you 'remembering' and showing an interest.

[rideon]

Any chance to get involved in your community so you could meet like minded people who want to make a difference such as Rotary? We have made some great lifelong friends through Rotary that we might not have if connected with without it. For example, one of our friends is a physician I work with on a regular basis (I work for a hospital) but I wouldn't have sought his friendship from just a work perspective.

I would definitly make it a GTD area of focus and make your actions some projects. I also really enjoy your posts and would welcome being a virtual friend. I realize it isn't the same...

[Suelin23]

I have a dog.

I am in a group - I'm secretary of the Australian Plants Society.

I'm just a very shy person. I find talking to others difficult in group situations, even social situations with people I know I find difficult and stressful and tend to talk less than normal which isn't very much.
I tend to shy away from invites unless it feels safe.
I think these two points above mean that people tend to either not find me interesting enough to be a friend or think that I'm not interested in being a friend.
And I don't find many people that I have things in common with so that makes it hard.
A checklist for catching up with friends is a good idea. I also need help with talking to people. I think of calling, but get put off because I can't think of what to say, I feel that if I call them I should carry the conversation and so get put off and think I'll call them later and then never call. Unfortunately I didn't learn social skills as a child.

[John Forrister]

I can relate, Suelin. One thing I have found helpful when I don't know what to say to someone is to ask a question. It's especially useful to ask open-ended questions, because they elicit longer answers. For example, I might be nervous talking to you on the phone or in person, so I might ask you, "How did your interest in plants develop over time such that you became the secretary of the Australian Plants Society?" That's not a yes/no question, so you'll probably have to talk for at least a couple of sentences to answer. This is partly selfish on my part. While you're answering, I will probably relax and be less nervous. And we'll be developing some rapport.

Anyway, I agree that making social relationships an area of focus with potential projects could be a very practical way to apply GTD.

Thanks for posting about this.

[Suelin23]

I like that questioning technique, I could brainstorm some questions ahead of the call or when we meet so I can feel more relaxed.
I have already found GTD helping quite a lot with meetings at work, having a prepared agenda list has been valuable, so I'm keen to apply the techniques in social situations.

Often I find work relationships easier to maintain because you have a purpose in getting together and you catchup more frequently, and you're all located close so getting together is easy.

My plant society only meets once a month, and I'm finding it harder to get the close bond. Need to improve discussion skills and also organise more social events I think.

[SiobhanBR]

As someone who was very shy for a very long time, I can relate. I actually created a plan for myself the summer I was sixteen. It involved three areas (general hellos on the street, talking to boys, talking to store clerks). I listed my goals and worked on them all summer. For example, I started by smiling and nodding to people as I walked by (this was at a summer resort where everyone says hello).

I wouldn't say that I'm most comfortable in crowds where I don't know anyone but I can now confidently give presentations at conferences and walk around the trade show. Asking open-ended questions is a great idea. Also, being a good listener will not only improve the chances that others find you interesting, but you'll constantly be on the lookout for that followup question or remark on what was said.

Bringing this back to GTD, go ahead and make some projects, next actions or even an area of focus. GTD provides the structure but you get to decide what kind of work you want to do.

Good luck.

[artsinaction]

It's especially useful to ask open-ended questions, because they elicit longer answers.

John, you're exactly right. Questions have always been the key for me.

I look at it as if I'm interviewing the person for an audience or an article, or some other mythical purpose. Often I find out wonderful things they wouldn't have volunteered about themselves, and it makes them more comfortable with me, too. And when I feel like I've run out of good questions (even if I've only asked a couple...), I'll say something like, "I've really enjoyed talking to you about this. I hope we can do it again sometime."... so that I'm the one deciding to end the conversation before it gets weird or uncomfortable.

Anecdotally, (and please don't take this as me patting myself on the back... I just want to share a success) I was at a luncheon where my table of 10 ladies was not, not, not talkative, so I just starting asking questions of ladies who were 2 or 3 seats away from me. In that way, the people in between were part of the conversation, too. After about 10 minutes of starting conversations around the table, they had all found something to talk about, and everyone was involved. Afterwards, one woman came up to me and said, "I have to know who you are and what you do! People are so drawn to you!" I had said nothing about myself, and I had only asked questions. And that made me interesting to that one woman. They were engaged because I facilitated it like a roundtable discussion... and it took me out of myself and my own insecurities.

Thanks for letting me share, and ramble a bit. I think you'll have great success moving forward, Suelin23!

Dena

[vbampton]

What a brilliant example Dena, I love that!

[Barb]

There is something about self-confidence and positivity that draws people to you as well. I know when I'm particularly happy, I radiate that in ways I'm not aware of and people gravitate toward me. The opposite is true if I'm not in my "happy place".

My 87-year old father is my shining example. No matter what is going on, he is extremely positive. He has been described for YEARS as someone that wears rose colored glasses. So I've studied him, talked to him about it, and tried to observe and learn as much as I can while he's still around. People FLOCK to him because of little things like knowing the names of every server in the restaurants where he often goes, being extremely kind (when others in his group often aren't)...it's hard to describe because it's almost an art form with him. (Now I sound like I'm bragging)....

But it does work.

Shy people: You don't have to TALK to draw people to you. You can say a lot with how attentively you listen. Who doesn't LOVE someone who is a great listener? (How many great listeners do each of us even know?)

And Dena..a word about you. Your positivity comes shining through even in your posts! You must be an amazing person because I don't think you could fake that. :) And I think the key to your asking questions is pretty basic: People respond to those who are genuinely interested in them. You can't fake that either.

[artsinaction]

oh, I'm blushing...

[TesTeq]

Anecdotally, (and please don't take this as me patting myself on the back... I just want to share a success) I was at a luncheon where my table of 10 ladies was not, not, not talkative, so I just starting asking questions of ladies who were 2 or 3 seats away from me. In that way, the people in between were part of the conversation, too. After about 10 minutes of starting conversations around the table, they had all found something to talk about, and everyone was involved. Afterwards, one woman came up to me and said, "I have to know who you are and what you do! People are so drawn to you!" I had said nothing about myself, and I had only asked questions. And that made me interesting to that one woman. They were engaged because I facilitated it like a roundtable discussion... and it took me out of myself and my own insecurities.

I wonder if this approach works for gentlemen too... :-)

[TesTeq]

Shy people: You don't have to TALK to draw people to you. You can say a lot with how attentively you listen. Who doesn't LOVE someone who is a great listener? (How many great listeners do each of us even know?)

And Dena..a word about you. Your positivity comes shining through even in your posts! You must be an amazing person because I don't think you could fake that. :) And I think the key to your asking questions is pretty basic: People respond to those who are genuinely interested in them. You can't fake that either.

I've jest wanted to write this! The most important thing is:

People respond to those who are genuinely interested in them.

GENUINELY!

[TesTeq]

I'm just a very shy person. I find talking to others difficult in group situations, even social situations with people I know I find difficult and stressful and tend to talk less than normal which isn't very much.
I tend to shy away from invites unless it feels safe.

Today - on February 1st, 2012 - TesTeq's Anti Shyness Comitee (TASC) decided that Suelin23 is no longer a shy person. Despite the fact that it can be difficult for her she will talk to people in group situations.

Long time ago TesTeq's Anti Shyness Comitee (TASC) decided that Testeq was no longer a shy person. And it worked - even in foreign languages despite the fact that someone may laugh at the correctness of his utterance.

[Suelin23]

The Free Dictionary's definition

shy
1. Easily startled; timid.
2.
a. Drawing back from contact or familiarity with others; retiring or reserved.
b. Marked by reserve or diffidence: a shy glance.

Definitely describes me.
I went to my plants society meeting last night, first meeting back for the year since December, and I was nervous about what to say to the others. I thought about what was recommended, about genuinely caring about others. I do care about these people, I just have a bad memory, and forget details about the people. I also tend to get more forgetful when I'm nervous, and so just don't say anything because my head is completely blank. I tend to forget personal details about them, like how many kids they have and what their kids names and ages are, and these things are a good conversation starter. I thought it might be a good idea to write some of this down somewhere and read it before the meeting.

I also suffer with finding topics to talk about. My life is boring and not interesting. When I go out to lunch with work people they all talk about sports, news, restaurants, going out, events, holidays etc, all topics I know nothing about. I probably should at least pay attention to the news so I can talk about that, but I find it boring and negative a lot of the time and prefer to avoid it.

This Sunday I'm going to a Waterwatch lunch, I'm in a local group monitoring river creek water quality, and it is part of a nationwide program, so there's a big lunch for all Victorian groups. None of my group is going, so I probably won't know anyone there apart from my Waterwatch coordinator. Going to a social event knowing no-one is my idea of cruel & unusual punishment, but I'm trying to improve my skills and get out of my comfort zone.
Any tips/advice?

[artsinaction]

I thought it might be a good idea to write some of this down somewhere and read it before the meeting.

This is a great idea!

Even when I'm talking to people I'll whip out my notepad and say something like, "My memory is not what it used to be <big smile> so I need to write down your husband's name 'cuz it's important that I don't forget it!"

I think people are very positive about my doing that because it shows I'm listening and that I'm taking an interest. And I am listening, and I am interested, I just can't retain those kinds of details well.

Hope that helps.

Dena

[Barb]

Suelin,

I just searched on Amazon and there are a bunch of books about overcoming shyness. Have you ever looked that direction for ideas?

Here's an idea that may seem counter intuitive: Find someone who looks kind and welcoming. Catch them alone and walk up and say, "You know, I really don't know anyone here and I'm kind of shy. Would you mind if I tagged along with you for a bit?" What kind of person wouldn't absolutely try to help that person out? And you're outing yourself so that may take some of the fear away.

Another idea: furrow your brow like you are listening intently. Nod a lot. Smile when appropriate. You really don't have to say anything. EVERYONE loves a good listener!

And: If you prepare topics ahead of time, make them open-ended questions so you don't get the conversational ball right back.

And: It's easier to join one person than to join a group that is already talking.

And: Get there early. Find someone alone, smile and let them join YOU.

I'm a super outgoing person, love people and you know what? I would be uncomfortable in the situations you've described too! LOTS of other people will be just as uncomfortable as you are--it's your job to find them!

[Mtk8]

A couple of thoughts for your Waterwatch event: 1) if it is a mix and mingle type event, keep an eye out for other people who are on their own. Go up and introduce yourself. They're probably just as worried about not knowing anyone as you are and will likely be grateful that you started off the conversation. 2) for events where I think I'm likely to be nervous, I find it useful to plan ahead a bit on some things to use to start conversation. Since you have environmental interests in common, maybe be prepared to ask what the other person's top issues/concerns are. Or, given that folks are coming from all over the country, where they're from and what they do when they're not Waterwatching might work. Having as starting conversation game plan in place will help prevent the blank brain feeling that nervousness can bring on.

Good luck!

--Marc

[TesTeq]

I also suffer with finding topics to talk about. My life is boring and not interesting. When I go out to lunch with work people they all talk about sports, news, restaurants, going out, events, holidays etc, all topics I know nothing about. I probably should at least pay attention to the news so I can talk about that, but I find it boring and negative a lot of the time and prefer to avoid it.

You won't believe me but I still remember this feeling. But the opposite is equally embarrassing! Let me explain.

At the beginning you think you've got nothing interesting to say.
Then you gather your life experiences and you can connect something that has happened to you (or something you've heard that happened to someone) with the conversation subject. Most of the time people find it interesting because people like stories and anecdotes. The more you tell the stories the better you are at it. If something is worth doing it is worth doing poorly - at the beginning.
Then you have at least three "standard" stories for each of the common subjects and you are constantly afraid that you've already told them to these people! So you ask all the time: "Didn't I tell you about my aunt's car accident?" But they want to hear it again and again because you've learned how to be a good story teller during all these years of training...

[Suelin23]

Thanks, that's all really good advice. I'm finding that GTD and this forum is improving so many aspects of my life that I never thought possible. I started out focussing on work, but on the way have also got advice on emotional issues, housework, families, and social situations. Not only is this system for stress free productivity, I think it's bringing me happiness, satisfaction and enjoyment of life. Now I'm looking forward to Sunday and all the other opportunities life will bring :D

[Barb]

Thanks, that's all really good advice. I'm finding that GTD and this forum is improving so many aspects of my life that I never thought possible. I started out focussing on work, but on the way have also got advice on emotional issues, housework, families, and social situations. Not only is this system for stress free productivity, I think it's bringing me happiness, satisfaction and enjoyment of life. Now I'm looking forward to Sunday and all the other opportunities life will bring :D

Good article!
http://www.forbes.com/sites/dailymuse/2012/02/15/5-ways-to-survive-attending-a-conference-alone/

[Suelin23]

Thanks, that's a really good article. Luckily two people I knew also turned up to the Waterwatch event, and when they were busy talking to others I approached a woman standing by herself, and she was really glad to have someone to talk to and sat next to me at lunch!
All in all I left the event feeling really proud of myself.
Thanks to all of you for your support, it really does help inspire me to push past the comfort barrier and try new things :-)

[Barb]

Thanks, that's a really good article. Luckily two people I knew also turned up to the Waterwatch event, and when they were busy talking to others I approached a woman standing by herself, and she was really glad to have someone to talk to and sat next to me at lunch!
All in all I left the event feeling really proud of myself.
Thanks to all of you for your support, it really does help inspire me to push past the comfort barrier and try new things :-)

Just inspired all of us, Suelin! Congratulations on that very big step! And might I add how much courage I think you have just for putting it out here and asking for ideas. Yeah, we're all a bit anonymous here, but it still took courage and I applaud you for that!

[artsinaction]

all in all i left the event feeling really proud of myself.

Yay!!!!! This is GREAT! SO proud of you! And what a terrific gift you gave to the other woman as well!

High-fives all around!

Dena

[TesTeq]

...I approached a woman standing by herself, and she was really glad to have someone to talk to and sat next to me at lunch!
All in all I left the event feeling really proud of myself.

Great! Now look for the opportunity to repeat it (with another stranger)!

[Solyanov2011]

I think everyone feels worry when approaching a person. That disappears as the conversation starts. Find a person (or a group) you'd like to join or talk, come closer. Start with a question (questions) or a story, keep talking. If they don't want to talk to you they will kick you :confused: :lol: Let other person(s) talk to you back too :)

[Mtk8]

Yay, Suelin! I'm glad the event went well. One suggestion -- while you've got the good feeling/confidence going from your weekend experience, why not find another situation where you can do it again? Two benefits: repeated practice solidifies new skills (like approaching, starting conversation); repeated exposure to situations that cause us anxiety reduces the anxiety (because we start to learn that things don't turn out as badly as we fear). Regardless, congratulations on the successful weekend event!

--Marc

[Dee]

Suelin,
I'm not on these boards much but I've noticed you and your responses to people's questions and confusion. Your comments are always right on. And considerate. I was a bit surprised to find you lonely. A book's just come out that I find very helpful (I'm shy too). It's Quiet: The Power of Introverts: by Susan Cain.
So glad to hear your luncheon went well for you.
Dee

[Suelin23]

Thanks Dee, that book looks really good, I'll buy that and have a read. Looks quite inspirational, and I love books like that.
I think being shy and nice I tend to attract 'needy' friends that are selfish and all about themselves. I decided to take a break from that and let those friendships drift apart, and wait until I could make new, healthier friendships.
I think being an introvert too, I don't feel comfortable reaching out to friends unless we're really close, and in reality there probably are a few friends I could reach out to - like in my plant society group, if I really wanted to. But I'm too shy.

[Barb]

Suelin,
I'm not on these boards much but I've noticed you and your responses to people's questions and confusion. Your comments are always right on. And considerate. I was a bit surprised to find you lonely. A book's just come out that I find very helpful (I'm shy too). It's Quiet: The Power of Introverts: by Susan Cain.
So glad to hear your luncheon went well for you.
Dee

Interesting. I just saw that this is Amazon's most wished for book!

[TesTeq]

But I'm too shy.

Really? Do not challenge the authority of the TesTeq's Anti Shyness Comitee (TASC). I would like to remind you that:


Today - on February 1st, 2012 - TesTeq's Anti Shyness Comitee (TASC) decided that Suelin23 is no longer a shy person. Despite the fact that it can be difficult for her she will talk to people in group situations.

Long time ago TesTeq's Anti Shyness Comitee (TASC) decided that Testeq was no longer a shy person. And it worked - even in foreign languages despite the fact that someone may laugh at the correctness of his utterance.

And seriously - I strongly believe in the power of words and mantras. It's unproductive to constantly repeat "I'm too shy." Please do not do it.

I have an excercise for you. At least once per day try to determine the color of the eyes of a stranger. Nothing more - just look to see the color.

[TesTeq]

shy
1. Easily startled; timid.
2.
a. Drawing back from contact or familiarity with others; retiring or reserved.
b. Marked by reserve or diffidence: a shy glance.
(..)
Any tips/advice?

I found something for you - something that resonates with "The Power of Habit" book discussed currently in our book club:

I have come to believe that shyness is more a habit than a hard-wired personal quality. Similarly, confidence has always seemed like one of those ambiguous traits, like willpower or intuition, that can be practiced, exercised and strengthened, like a muscle. But just like any physical exercise, it's always hard and takes constant work. And, more importantly, constant awareness.

Read the whole article Op-Ed: Confidence vs Shyness (http://the99percent.com/articles/7164/Op-Ed-Confidence-vs-Shyness).

[artsinaction]

I found something for you - something that resonates with "The Power of Habit" book discussed currently in our book club:

That's so cool, Tes! I thought of her, too, when I read that! I'm so glad you posted it!

Dena

[Suelin23]

Good article TesTeq, and it also rings true. There's a lot of excuses I make up to avoid interacting with others, like I'm not sure if they really like me, I wouldn't have anything to say, I've forgotten so much about them it would be embarrassing to call an old friend. But at the end of the day it just takes willpower to overcome those urges, a project plan and next action to get moving on something I'm procrastinating on.
I think it would be good to compile reference info on my friends or people, so I can review details like their partner's names, what they do for a job etc so I don't embarrass myself by forgetting stuff about them. That would give me more confidence.

[billjw]

Hi Suelin23

As you are in Melbourne I thought it might be worthwhile to bring up the course Crucial Conversations.
I know the facilitator who is associated with the company I work for but is also an independent contractor.
It might be worth investigating this as it helps with tough conversations and might assist in the shyness dept (which you are no longer associated with. ;) )

Anyway, not trying to sell it to you, just letting you know it might help. All our managers are doing it to assist in their leadership skills etc. People always come away getting benefit from it.

Cheers

Bill

[CJSullivan]

I have an excercise for you. At least once per day try to determine the color of the eyes of a stranger. Nothing more - just look to see the color.

I REALLY like this. For the obvious reason that it forces one to make eye contact with someone else, thereby bringing one out of one's interior focus. I also like it because when I think about it, I so very rarely remember the colour of someone's eyes (for instance, people I work with but don't know that well - and even people I know well). Don't know what that says about my interior focus or lack of observation skills, but it's a great little trick that I shall start practicing right away (even though I'm not particularly shy...anymore).

It's also pretty non-threatening. "Noticing" is something that's pretty safe and easy to commit to, and can no doubt become a "keystone habit" (ref. "The Power of Habit") that leads to more and more connection with others!

[Suelin23]

I thought it might be worthwhile to bring up the course Crucial Conversations.

Thanks! looks like a great course, and the agenda of the training course seems to cover everything I need to know. This will really help things go better at work, which I have been struggling a lot with

[billjw]

I REALLY like this. For the obvious reason that it forces one to make eye contact with someone else, thereby bringing one out of one's interior focus. I also like it because when I think about it, I so very rarely remember the colour of someone's eyes (for instance, people I work with but don't know that well - and even people I know well). Don't know what that says about my interior focus or lack of observation skills, but it's a great little trick that I shall start practicing right away (even though I'm not particularly shy...anymore).

It's also pretty non-threatening. "Noticing" is something that's pretty safe and easy to commit to, and can no doubt become a "keystone habit" (ref. "The Power of Habit") that leads to more and more connection with others!

A small but significant step to being more engaged. And you can have some fun with it too. Sometimes the simplest solutions are the best. It's like climbing a mountain. The higher you get the better the view and the view will always change.

[PeterW]

I have an excercise for you. At least once per day try to determine the color of the eyes of a stranger. Nothing more - just look to see the color.


I REALLY like this. For the obvious reason that it forces one to make eye contact with someone else, thereby bringing one out of one's interior focus.
Me too! I am going to start doing this today at the office, not with strangers but people I work with. :D